Whatever Saint Valentine may be to you, a Roman dark tradition, a merchandising orgie, the most depressing or romantic day ever, the occasion to declare your love to your special someone, the occasion to binge drink with your mates (as if you needed an excuse, c’mon!), it is a day (or a weekend in this case) where you discuss love. Haven’t you?
Amongst them was a very balanced and happy couple, and 2 single men feeling a bit down.
I’m single too and I miss not having a significant other but I am far from being down because after years of dating golden boys, I am done being a butterfly blinded by the light who endure a small death each time burning my wings. I know I need to fix my head to attract and be attracted to men (I should say “man” really, cuz I only need one, I am not that greedy) who I can be happy with.
Anyways, so…. it’s dishearting to see your beloved friends feeling so sad and kind of pissed off even. I didn’t have the stamina to launch a major conversation on love then (blame the fantabulous allnighter the night before) so I pulled my bff sleeves the day after and wrote this letter to my beautiful, talented, kind and amazing buddy:
For yogis and sadhus, success is total detachment from the material world and extreme feelings.
For Australian natives, success is keeping alive and protected from their invaders.
For a bimbo, success is to be on reality TV, have many followers who like each and all of her posts.
Each vision is accurate and true. Even if we are subjected to capitalism, in nature, life, universe, there is no hierarchy in this list of values / goals. And that’s pretty lucky because if we all wished for the same thing, we’d kill each other over it…..well….except for the yogis and sadhus…they can be all successful together. hmmm…. (food for thought)
Most people see success the way you do because it’s cultural, because they were born rich and want to defend their patrimony, because that’s their way to rebel against marginal parents, because they truly and simply believe that.
And some people will reach your goals as a consequence of reaching theirs. For instance, my personal work (meditation, therapy, experiences) leads me towards being a leader (I am no dictator boss, I support experts who need frame and vision to be at their best). Since humble pay equals to disrespect and lack of confidence from your clients or boss (yeah, I know the rules, you see), reaching my goals would imply that I’d be earning rather well and sit in a high ranked chair. So I could gain the social status, the bank account and the lush life that you value but that would only be a consequence, not a goal. And since the idea of owning a flat / house gives me asthma, I’d spend on travels, I’d sponsor single mothers in India, I’d donate to Femen and I’d spoil my friends who work their arses off for underpaid jobs (do you know how much a nurse gets paid? It’s shameful.)
Different goals can bring people with different life philosophy together.
I’m sure you agree partly (maybe totally) with my analysis. And I hope you see where I’m going….
Your ex and yourself don’t have the same conception of success. Since society advocates your values, it seemed generous of you to push him towards your system. But there wasn’t anything generous about it. You denied his persona and you tried to format him to fit in your mould. He failed to become someone else and felt rubbish for it, probably denigrated even.
He is just as much to blame than you of course. He could have been assertive, he could have said no and showed you his ways whilst respecting yours. Then you would have had an equal relationship, then you would have completed each other / supported each other / loved each other.
Without mutual respect and as soon as one satisfies the needs of the other, this ain’t love, it’s attachement, it’s dependance, it’s ego.
Products and services are here to satisfy specific needs and solve problems. Your flat is dirty? Buy cleaning products or hire a cleaner. Problem solved. People are neither products nor services. You can’t expect them to be playdough and fit in the mould of the expectations you think you have.
Real love happens when two people who don’t need each other enjoy sharing a life together.
Therefore, I wish you to meet someone amazing that will either share your values or won’t but will be sufficiently strong to stand up to you (you’re gonna love it too).
I wish you to meet someone who doesn’t need you neither you him, that your relationship stems from connection, sparks, magic.
I wish you to meet someone with whom it will be so natural that the 3 months and 3 years rules will seem irrelevant to you (a couple is two souls, it’s not an industrial cycle).
I wish you to be happy and free together.
Meanwhile, you have the expectation-less love of your friend.
Happy Saint Valentine,